So here we are. It’s been a while. It feels like maybe a half a decade has passed, and also just a week or two. I closed my shop, sold off all the stuff save for a couple of bags of things I couldn’t bear to part with, and ever since, I’ve been living in the dusky haze of the twilight feeling of leaving. The drive to wind things down here and get back home. Pouring over real estate listings and chasing people down like a mad dog. Staying up all night. Running up long distance phone bills so absurd that a telecoms company essentially stalked me until I agreed to sign up for the their Very Good Deal.
After closing down the shop, I meant to take a bit of a rest, but right off, I ran face first into a listing that seemed like someone had been inside my head and pulled out all the important things and put them all together in one property. All along, I’ve been shuffling lists of things I’m willing to concede on, and things that are non-negotiable. As my self-created deadline for getting out of dodge was closing in, I had begun to move several things, one by one, from the non-negotiable list to the maybe-I-can-live-with-out-it one, but this property rounded on all of that and made me think maybe I could get most of the things after all.
Things were going well—maybe, in retrospect, too well. I put in an offer and it was accepted, and I signed a contract after having a clause put in with some contingencies about a couple of inspections. At one am on Thursday night, my phone buzzed and I saw the name of the inspector and I already knew just by the sight of his name that the inevitable bump in the road had arrived.
I’ve never bought a house before, but I’ve had enough dealings with both real estate agents and contractors to know that you have to keep your eyes on all sides when you’re dealing with either, and especially when you’re dealing with both. It’s nothing personal. It’s business, and in business, everyone is naturally fighting their own corner, but that means that you have to be sure to fight yours, as well. And also not be lulled by sweet words into thinking other parties are looking out for your interest over their own, when common sense dictates that they most certainly are not. They’re just being polite, and politeness and kindness are very far from being the same thing, although they can look very similar at first glance.
Come Friday, I called the inspector. And then I called the real estate brokers. And then the inspector again. And the brokers again. The inspector works not for but, I suspect, closely with the contractor. The result was that I was left with two camps of people speaking into either one of my ears saying opposite kinds of things, and I knew it was up to me to realize that, while both camps wanted me to understand absolutely that they were just looking out for me and just wanted what was best for me, the only person looking out for me in this situation is me. And all the time, this giant countdown clock looming over me, ticking ever downward.
I needed to think. I knew I needed to step back and get my head clear of all the other voices, so that I could listen out for my own. Friday night, I left things open ended with everyone and despite protests from both camps that they were totally fine with continuing over the weekend, told them—with politeness—that I would never dream of interrupting their holiday weekends, and so we could pick this all back up on Monday.
I’ve been white-knuckling my way through life for quite a while now. It’s not an exaggeration to say that a few years back, I found myself very cornered and with no choice but to fight like hell, and keep on fighting, no matter how tired I got. I wouldn’t be in the position I am now, with the options I have open to me, If I hadn’t driven myself like a beast over the past several years. And that kind of survival mode is very difficult to shift out of it, especially when you’ve been in it for a long time. But one of the most important things I’ve had to learn how to do is to go on and shift out of it when the time comes.
Did I start right in on a downward panic spiral as soon as I was left to just sit quiet with this news and myself? Yes, I sure did. Did I immediately start to justify, rationalize, and come up with reasons why I need to take a potentially bad deal and come out on the losing end, rather than take the risk by asking for what I think is fair, because this may be the best I’ll get and what other choice do I have and what else am I supposed to do? Yes.
Sometimes the distracting voices that need to be quieted come from the outside. Sometimes, they come from the inside, too.
So after I shut down the outside voices, I went ahead and told the inside one to be still for a while as well. I read a couple of books and knitted and didn’t think about houses or the future. And then I did something I’ve been not doing because of the mental limbo I’ve been in since the shop closed and I started preparing to move home: I cleaned and organized my living space. As I mentioned before, I brought a lot of stuff home from the shop when I moved out of it, but I didn’t bother to find a new home for all of it, because the plan was to pretty much immediately start pulling the house apart, as well, to pack up what was going to the US and to sell off or get rid of what wasn’t.
But I can’t start packing things in boxes or getting rid of things until I know for sure when I’m leaving. And since it seemed like this deal with the house may come through pretty quickly, I decided to put all of that off and just live with the chaos for a while before I did anything at all. But the chaos of my living space had just been piling on top of the mental chaos of this whole situation, and I realized that I couldn’t and wouldn’t take it anymore.
I put aside the fact that it could be pointless or redundant, that these same things I’m organizing now may be in the garbage or sold off within the month. It’s not a month later now. It’s now, now. And I can’t keep living in chaos just because I don’t know what’s coming. I also decided that there’s not going to be anymore staying up until 3am waiting for emails or making phone calls. If something can’t get done by the time I’m ready to go to bed at a reasonable hour, then it can wait until tomorrow.
With those few decisions made, and the panic induced simply by the nature of being in chaotic surroundings receding, my mind started to clear, and finally the true voice came through. And what it had to say was this: Wanting something real bad is not the same as needing it, and you are not desperate, so you need to stop thinking and acting like you are. That shit will not only steal the wheel on your own decision making, it also comes through in a primal way to anyone else you’re dealing with, and it’s not a good look. It marks you as vulnerable and easy to take things from.
I’ll rag on my Southern Baptist upbringing until the cows come home, but over the years, I’ve learned not to throw the baby out with the bathwater, and there were good lessons in some of what I was taught that I still go back to now, as an adult. One of the ones I’m calling on now is something called laying it down.
Southern Baptists in general are not a miracle-based set of believers. The holy rollers over in the Evangelical crowd laying on hands, speaking in tongues and raising people up out of wheelchairs were generally considered with derision within my church crowd growing up. Our philosophy was much more of the God-helps-those-who-help-themselves variety. I can’t tell you how many times I sat through the modern-day parable about the man who prayed every night for a year asking God to let him win the lottery. When a full year had passed, the man went to his pastor and said, Pastor, I’m having some struggles with my faith. I’ve been praying faithfully every night for a year asking God to let me win the lottery, but He hasn’t come through for me, so how am I supposed to keep believing? And in response the pastor said, well, Brother, let me ask you…. did you buy a lottery ticket?
The general idea was that God can help things along, but He’s not likely to go around depositing miracles into the laps of people who do nothing but pray. And furthermore, just because you pray for something faithfully doesn’t mean you’re going to get it. It’s alright to ask for things, but the model prayer Baptists like to refer to most often is the one quoted from Jesus in Luke: Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine be done. In other words, here’s the general outline of the thing that I want, but what I really want, above and beyond anything else, is for the right thing to happen, which may not be what I want to happen. Because I’m a human and I’m flawed, and sometimes I can’t see the forest for the trees. And sometimes what I want is not what will be best for me or everyone else in the situation.
This is where laying it down comes in. You have to do whatever you can to take care of things yourself. The universe is not in the business of hand-outs, generally speaking. That having been said, sometimes there’s a burden that you have to admit that you can’t carry all by yourself. You can’t control everything, no matter how hard you try, and the trying will sometimes do more harm than good, after a certain point. When that kind of situation arises, the only thing you can do is lay it down. Put the thing down, dust off your hands, and admit that you are just not going to be in control of this.
The older I get, the more it feels like somehow deep down under the surface of everything, maybe I’m just learning the same lesson over and over. Maybe it’s my big lesson. It has something do with the fact that the first and truest question, in life and love and everything else, has to be, what do you believe you deserve? And the one right after that has to be, what do you believe you can survive?
And here’s the most important part: You can’t get the two mixed up. That’s fatal. Just because you can survive something doesn’t mean you should accept it, when you know deep down that you deserve better. But knowing what you can survive will all too often become the key to having the courage to go for what you deserve. It allows you to make big swings and take risks. It allows you to look into the face of someone who’s trying to convince you to take a bad deal on a house and say, nah, I don’t think so. I know I can survive taking on that house with its issues. But I also know that I can survive not getting it at all. I know I can survive having to stay here until the fall if I have to. And I know I deserve better than what I’m currently being offered.
There’s no more fear, for now. There’s just what I know. What I deserve and what I can survive. And between the two, there’s nothing to be afraid of. There’s nothing to do but to lay it down. To want the thing, to ask for the thing. But to know that I don’t need it. That I can survive without it. That my perspective is limited, and sometimes what I want isn’t always what I’m meant to have, or what’s best for me. To do the acts, as best I can, to make the things I want a reality, but to also accept that the universe doesn’t bend to my will. And trying to make it? That way lie ruin and despair. Lay it down. And rest in the knowledge that I am still here, in the now, and I will be as long as I’m drawing breath, come whatever else may.
And in the meantime, it’s high time to get on with life, at least a little bit. I don’t know what’s coming, but I know that I’m tired of wasting days waiting around for it to come. I’m not helpless and I’m not stuck. I’m just in a situation where I have to be a little unsure for a while. That doesn’t mean there’s nothing I can accomplish in the midst of the waiting.
Now, here’s a recipe for the mini cherry cheesecakes that were meant to be a celebration of closing on the house that I, instead, still don’t definitely have. So instead, let’s celebrate making mini cheesecakes and getting on with the business of living, even while the future is still unclear.
Mini Cherry Cheesecakes
Note: You can also double this recipe and make one regular 9-inch cheesecake instead. In that case, you may need to bake it for a little bit longer, but just stick with the barely-wobbling-in-the-center guideline for when it’s ready, and you’ll be all good.
Crust:
8 Digest biscuits
3 tablespoons melted butter
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
1. Place the biscuits, cinnamon and nutmeg in a food processor and pulse until finely ground.
2. Put the ground biscuits in a bowl with the melted butter and stir until thoroughly incorporated.
3. Divide the crumb mixture into three 4-inch springform pans and press into place to form a solid crust.
4. Bake in the oven at 350F (175C) for 10 minutes.
5. When the pans have cooled, wrap them in tin foil making sure there are no gaps or openings.
Filling:
2 cups cream cheese, room temperature
2/3 cup granulated sugar
2 eggs, room temperature
1/3 cup yogurt
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1. Mix the cream cheese until it is soft and smooth.
2. Add the sugar and continue mixing until the mixture is completely smooth.
3. Add the eggs one at a time, beating until just incorporated.
4. Add the yogurt, vanilla and lemon juice and mix until just incorporated.
5. Divide the filling evenly between the three springform pans, and gently tap them on the counter to remove any air bubbles.
6. Preheat the oven to 350F (175C) and place the three springform pans into a larger pan. Pour boiling water into the larger pan to about half an inch below the rim of the springform pans, being sure not to get any water into the springform pans.
7. Place the entire pan into the oven and bake at 350 for 15 minutes, before reducing the temperature to 300F (150C). Bake for an additional 30 minutes, until the cheesecakes are just a little wobbly in the center.
8. Turn off the oven and allow the cheesecakes to cool inside for one hour.
9. Cover the cheesecakes in plastic wrap and leave them to chill in the pans overnight in the fridge.
Cherry Topping:
1 cup pitted cherries
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1. Put the cherries, sugar and lemon juice into a small pan over medium heat on the stove.
2. Bring them to a low simmer and stir constantly until the mixture has thickened, about 10-15 minutes.
3. Allow the mixture to cool and then cover and place in the fridge overnight.
4. The next day, remove the cheesecakes from the springform pans, top with the cherry topping, and enjoy.
first, i think this is the first time i've read something with a recipe and was in it for the story and not the instructions. to be fair, i didn't know you had the recipe at the end, i just laughed at the situation. and i will probably now be making a mini cheese cake. win-win!
more importantly, i'm glad you're taking your time with this. you deserve to have a landing pad in the states in the shape of a house you truly want, not a compromise. i hope it works out for you, and that your own words stick with you, because. well. they're pretty wise.